First start with nothing, on the wrong side of the tracks, no money, no clothes, no luxuries like water or sewer like everyone else has. Live life with everyone staring down their nose because your father's occupation doesn't fit with everyone's notion of acceptable. The jokes, the leering looks, the separation, and dismissal. Yet you fit with the has been's, your home is open to the misfits of society, the drunks, the lame, the jobless, the minorities, your family is always welcoming them to the only place they are allowed. You see the best in them, although the world sees the worst. They are your friends: loyal and kind. What do you know, you are only a kid, all but three years old. You see the worst in the people [who people look up to] and the best of the people [people look down on]. As the years pass, you subconsciously begin to believe the lies that you are not worth anything, but consciously, you believe you are doing well, gaining ground and earning respectability by your hard work, slowing earning the luxuries everyone else takes for granted. Luxuries like shampooing your hair every day, having the money for the shower and a magazine once every couple of years. School ends, you get married to someone who will share your life and dreams with you. You leave town and make your way through school, well at least part of it, a good two months before your nose is broken by your knight in shining armor, telling you that you are worthless. Being the kind and forgiving person you are, you stay. Ditto, twice more and you leave for higher ground. The church, your friends, and the entire town turns on you for turning in a persecutor (no, not him, another one). There is no one to talk to, no longer friends to visit or places to go. History repeats itself with another fun marriage and again you are told you are worthless, this time with 6 little ones. You struggle through false accusations, court affidavits of people you thought were friends and there to support you, but no... everyone knows you are not worth anything. You still believe, you still have faith, you still try to find the good. Your children hit their teens and echo the same message. You are no good. Your will to believe in yourself begins to crumble. You work and the boss swears at you in front of customers and proclaims you are no good, to everyone. You change jobs and this time you are beaten up by a client and you think that maybe someone would stand behind you, but no, not by your partner, not by the company, not by the lawyer and not by the government. Injured, you go on. You begin to believe that there are one or two people who are not very kind. You still have some faith left. You still give your all to everyone. Life persists with the same lesson, your house and all belongings are sold for a dime on a dollar and your insurance turns a blind face as you are left going from one friend to a relative and back again with a husband and children in tow. The struggle that doesn't kill you makes you stronger you are told. You begin losing your sorrow by serving others- children, because they are innocent. You can hide in the relative safety of your own house. You sit for single moms who need a leg up, because they need it. One youth pulls a butcher knife off the counter, holds it against the other childs neck and threatens to slit his throat. Two other children come and tell you their weekend didn't go well, the police showed up, again. Memories return of the kids across the road, slinking, almost in fetal position on the front lawn when Dad yelled at them, followed by their three year old sister coming into your bedroom telling you she was afraid that Daddy would hit her brothers with that 2x4 again. Your house was the safe house of the community where you welcomed and made your home a home for the community children and teens when they needed warmth and nurture after crimes had been acted out against them. How could you tell them there was no hope. You had hope. You had hope in them. You believed they could win. Win what? Win respect and dignity. You were the unpaid councellor of many, and felt you could not reach them all. That book had to be written. It was. There came out of nowhere a mentor, an inspiration to help pave the way. It made it to the public. The public were oblivious to the precious answers so hard won, that worked so well to get you through your life. Oh, well. You did your best. Maybe you could work in the community, build a garden, a small sampling of a big dream. You invest time, labor and budget money to prove or disprove a gardening theory, involving many who buy into your little experiment, and then, suddenly, ...there is someone to help you. Horray. But wait just a minute, they want to discard the name, change the program, take down the architectural structure, take over the project, and proclaim to all powers that be that the project is their's... hmmm, the sound is the same... you have no worth, what you do is of no worth, you will never win, we will see to that.
The question: So what do you do now, give up because the life long fight is just not worth it... stand strong because there is always someone watching you, ready to follow your path (win or lose), ...give in and let that person steal your vision, passion and project, ....or get angry, get even and take over, ... let it fall and pursue your dream of a better place, a place of peace. Maybe a garden where the disenfranchised have a place to go and share their friendship with each other, helping each other, lifting each other's burdens without the $100.00/hour fee, making their day a little brighter in a small way- making a quilt for a friend or looking after their child for the day so the beleaguered mother can have a few hours of kid-free time and do something good for herself. You know, build a 'we made it from scratch, but it's a pretty nice resort'. Maybe we could call it Peace Gardens... what do you think? Yeah, you're right, it would be money, time, energy and effort given and it would sit on the shelf like the book. So what would be the point? Maybe it is just for you, to prove your love is worth something after all. It's only time- you have to do something while you live your life. It's only money- you can't take it with you (Here's a thought-You could spend it- maybe pay off your house or have a retirement program).
But.. what if...there really are people who need it like you did/do? What if they truly wanted to come? What if they would have come? What if you let them down when they were counting on you? What if... [what a game]. What if you give up just minutes before you reach the finish line? What if it worked out. What if it isn't as bad as you think? What if the miracle happens? What do you do?
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